|Gordon "Jasper" Sumner|
Whilst I don't intend to have a go at the poor old chap - I'll leave that to Richard Thompson who has a song about him on Dream Attic (Here Comes Geordie) - but honestly, he does come over as a bit of a . . . I am reminded of the comment the great Stuart Maconie made about him. I think it was in Pies and Prejudice (any of his books are well worth a read) where he recounts the "story" of how he got his nickname. Now, according to yer man himself, he used to wear a black and yellow striped jumper to school. Hence the nickname. Now, as Stuart reminds us, most people are more unkind when handing out nicknames - especially kids - and they would more likely have named him "Waspy" or "Buzz" or somesuch.
If he'd been at my old alma mater he'd have been called "Jasper" No, I don't know why either, but that's the old Stevenage term for a wasp in the early 1970s.
Anyhow, he always comes across a bit earnest to me. Again, if he was at school with me I wonder what his reports would have said? Whereas mine tended towards "Satis" - brief, to the point and I must have been obviously less than impressive as old Romper Williams couldn't even be bothered to waste much ink on me by finishing the word - or occasionally "could try harder". I bet Jasper's would have been, "Needs to relax, tries too hard".
Meanwhile, back in the kitchen. Mrs Dave is making the Christmas cake - the usual Nigella Lawson one with Tia Maria that has become traditional here (well, for about three years running). That means "Christmas music" is on the Bose. So unusually for Mrs D it's not Now That's What I Call Christmas it's old Buzz Lightweight's If On A Winter's Night . . . which is a little bit upmarket. I mean, it's on Deutsche Grammophon like his lute albums. Fancy old DG releasing an album with Message In A Bottle played on a lute - I kid you not.
Did you know that an average pint of bitter - say 3.8% abv - contains 182 calories and would take a man 30 minutes to walk it off whereas a lady of the opposite gender would take 40 minutes? A traditional full English breakfast is estimated 807 calories and whilst I should take 2 hours and 20 minutes to walk it off, Mrs Dave would need another 20 minutes walking. It's a good thing we grilled ours today and had scrambled rather than fried eggs. Especially as I can't be bothered to go out for a walk. Still, here's the big one. A Christmas dinner with all its trimmings with a side order of mince pies, chocolate log and pudding is estimated at a colossal 3200 calories. A man would walk that off after 9 hours and 20 minutes whilst a lady would have to keep going for 11 hours and 10 minutes. So I suggest giving your partners a head start.
You could always have a glass or two of beer and a fry up while you're waiting before you go to catch her up.